The Manwitch

It's been a busy spring, even though we're only technically seventeen days into it, the climate is so completely, entirely, thoroughly fucked that spring started setting in back in February. My internal calendar is all out of whack as well. I suppose I'll get used to it.

My partner and I went on a tropical vacation and had an amazing time. I'm feeling rejuvenated, and trying very hard to focus on my own health and well-being. Our home situation is... hectic, with a lot of family now living with us because they can't make it on their own anymore, for a variety of reasons. I've spent most of the last year trying to change things about our home environment and schedule, and failing. It became clear to me a few weeks ago that I need to focus on the things I can control, namely my own health and state of mind.

I'm starting with making sure I'm taking adequate vitamins for my age, and eating better. Cutting out sweets again is proving to be difficult. I'm also trying to get out and walk more. My own health problems last year prevented me from doing much of anything in the way of exercise, so I have a lot of catch-up to do. I'm also paying more attention to my appearance and skin care. My thinking here is if I can physically feel better, and feel better about myself, it will help me deal better with the stresses of home.

I was in for my yearly physical last week, and while the doctor and I both agreed that I need to lose about twenty pounds, I'm in very good health. I go in to pee in a cup and get blood drawn for labs in a few days, and we'll see what those have to say.

My mornings for the last couple of weeks have consisted of a few minutes of meditation as soon as I'm upright on the side of the bed, with my feet on the floor. Our oldest dog is always very interested in what I'm doing, and sits through it with me. Then I get up and brush my teeth, start coffee, take my meds and vitamins and take partner her coffee and pills.

Then I walk a dog. I can't walk both of them since they're big dogs, so I'm alternating each day. It's only a fifteen-minute walk, but that's good enough. I don't have time for more, unless I want to get up obscenely early.

Then the partner and I get into the shower, where we are both now using a variety of natural cleansers and body washes, we shave all the bits, and then dry off and moisturize. She's incorporated some candles and a small, black Hecate statue in the bathroom, so that morning routine has turned into more of an actual ritual.

We're both doing a similar thing before bed, with a facial cleanse and moisturize. Our sex life has taken a pretty big hit in the last year due to her health issues, which are finally getting sorted out, although very slowly. So we're making an effort to have some sort of sexual connection each night, and that's been more fun than either of us expected. Our practice has been incorporated into that in a small way, so as not to be too distracting. We make a habit of keeping a few of our every day carry items close at hand during sex, to give them a bit of an extra kick and attunement. Every so often, she collects my semen for use in her spell work, and while it does distract from the moment, she makes it fun.

I've been dabbling in divination using runes, rather than tarot cards. I do love both of my tarot decks, but something about casting runes feels so much more natural to me. It's also been fun learning something new.

Her summer solstice celebration is coming up fast, and we still have some preparations to make. It's an all women group making a four-day event of it. We'll drive up together, pick up one of her friends at an airport on the way, and then once we get them settled into their camp, head a few miles up stream where I'll camp with the dogs, but otherwise alone. I'm planning on a few solitary ceremonies myself, and looking forward to it.

That about does it for this update.

I hope everybody is doing well.

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

I generally keep a low profile with regard to my practice. I buy books from a small book store, where I don't use my real name, and I pay in cash. I'm always sure to keep my books out of sight. Outdoor spell work is either done in my backyard at night, or far out in the woods. I have no tattoos, although I'd like to. My wards and sigils are hidden, in my house and at work.

I do have several Celtic knot and pentacle necklaces, and a variety of rings with pentagrams, various moon symbols, crows, Celtic knots, and symbols of Lilith and Cernunnos. The Celtic knot necklaces I often wear outside my clothing, since most people simply see them as decorative. The other necklaces are always under my shirts. At any given time, I'm wearing one to four rings. The Celtic rings are also easy to get away with, and the other rings are discreet enough that someone would have to get a pretty good look and know what they're looking at, to see and understand what's on them. Still, I had an incident with one of the moon rings a few months ago.

Before I got it sized, it slipped off of my finger one day at work. I noticed it was missing, and I retraced my steps as best I could remember, but wasn't able to find it. Later that day a friend, whose office is across the hall from mine, mentioned that one of the maintenance guys had found a ring just outside the elevator door. I went to his office and he was gone, but the ring was sitting on his desk. I snatched it and left, knowing he'd probably had a pretty good look at it. Black, with a few crescent moons.

Fast-forward to about two weeks ago. I'm covering the phone desk for a bit, and that maintenance guy walks by and notices that I'm wearing several rings on my right hand. I wasn't wearing that particular ring that day, but most of them are black, and he probably couldn't see them very well.

He asks me “What's the deal with the rings?”

“Nothing in particular, I just like them.” I lied.

“So no real significance, huh?” He asked.

“Nope.”

He stared at my hand for a minute, and then continued on to wherever he was going. I'm sure that my friend told him I'd lost my ring, so he connected the dots and knew I was the one that grabbed it off of his desk. I could tell that he was somewhere between suspicious and outright concerned, but I'm his boss, and discussing religion at all is generally frowned upon around here so it's unlikely that he'll ever prod for any more details.

He's an older guy, in his late 60s, a biker, and definitely a product of the 60s counter-culture, which he never really left behind. I'm 100% certain that he has some inkling of that ring's symbolism, and is now not sure what to make of me. I do have feathers and a few small soothing stones sitting on my desk, and I wonder if he's started to catch on at all.

I'm not terribly concerned about it, but I do find it amusing.

Side note: There is a girl working at the book store, who I'm fairly certain is either Wiccan or a practitioner of some other flavor of witchcraft. She's asked a few tentative, probing questions, which I've never answered in any detail at all. I keep things to a simple yes or no. I'm sure she knows, but clearly understands and respects my position, and isn't pushing it.

I may try to engage her in more conversation at some point. I don't know.

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

I kept meaning to post here, but December was an absolute deluge of stress, sickness and a smattering of depression. My partner's health issues have flared up like never before, and she's been in near constant pain for months now. The only thing that helps is pot, and sometimes all it does is help her sleep. She had a brief respite in September, and then things took off again.

There have been loads of tests, and lots of discovering what is not causing the problem. Narrowing things down is always good, but this has been going on for eight months. We really need to get to the bottom of it. She has an appointment with a specialist next week, and will hopefully start getting some answers.

We did manage to decorate for Yule, and some small celebrations happened, but nothing like what we'd like.

We're both looking forward to the summer solstice this year. My partner is gathering with some new friends she made on a recent adventure overseas, and they'll be doing a women-only solstice celebration. It's about four hours north of here, and for logistical reasons, I'll travel with her and camp a few miles up river from where they'll be gathering. I'll be alone, hopefully. Well, I'll have our dogs with me, but otherwise hopefully alone, for four days. My primary reason for wanting to be alone out there, is so I can forego clothing for the duration of my stay. I intend to do some foraging, and a bit of crafting mixed with spell work. As I've done in the past, I do enjoy leaving my camp site with lots of creations dangling from the trees. I'll be honest, I do like the idea of the next occupants being creeped out by them.

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

“Four men in Sydney (ages 26, 39, 42, 46) were charged in connection with what police describe as an international child-sex abuse ring involving alleged satanic/ritualistic themes.”

Not the first of such reports I've come across in the last year, it's just the first to come right out and say “satanic”, “ritual” and “abuse” all in the same sentence.

It's ramping up, and it will keep ramping up.

#SatanicPanic

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

They're out there, on Reddit, Discord, Facebook and of course all over Youtube and Tiktok. There are a number of Youtube witches whom I follow, and I really enjoy their content and find it very helpful. However, all of these platforms are absolutely overrun with scam artists, attention seekers, band wagoners and all manner of people simply trying to cash in on the fad, whether monetarily or just soaking up the attention and likes.

By far, I think the worst place is Reddit. What I see there is overwhelmingly bad information, fearmongering, and people trying way too hard to incorporate what they see in movies and TV into their practice.

The biggest problem I see is a refusal to start off small, with the basics. You need to start in your own head, learning to properly focus, clear your mind, and be comfortable alone in your thoughts with no distractions. Also read, read, read. Do LOTS of research. Everyone wants to immediately jump into spells, wards and ceremonies, and they start seeing “signs” in just about everything around them. Believe it or not, the water in your spell jar is most likely turning funky colors because of bacteria, and not because you fucked up the spell somehow, or it has turned on you, or whatever other nonsense you saw on “Charmed”.

Removed this section, because I thought it deserved its own post. Go here to see that.

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

Nearly every podcast I listen to is doing the spooky-story thing this time of year, which I really enjoy. I am a sucker for a good ghost story, even if I think it's bullshit.

I was listening to The White Witch Podcast this morning, and one guest mentioned visits from dead relatives that manifest in ways that most people don't recognize. It's something you don't hear about much, but I'm certain happens to more people, way more often than we're conscious of.

When I was ten years old, I went to live with my grandparents for two years. It was waaaaay out in the middle of a forest, twenty miles from the nearest very tiny town, and several miles from the nearest neighbor. Their place was surrounded by miles of thick, pine forest in every direction. A small creek ran along the edge of the property, just down a steep hill from their house.

I loved it out there. It was by far the happiest point in my childhood.

My grandmother's kitchen was my favorite place in the house. They had a breakfast nook at one end of it, surrounded on three sides by windows, so you were looking out at the forest when sitting at that small, round table. She baked constantly, everything you can imagine. Pies, brownies, fudge, cookies... all that stuff that that generation of white American grandmothers often baked.

She used Palmolive dish soap, which has a fairly unique smell, or at least back then it did. She also drank coffee at all hours of the day and night, so there was always a pot of Folgers dark roast keeping warm in the coffee maker. Finally, her kitchen also smelled heavily of an amalgamation of many different spices, which she used heavily in her cooking. These three smells mixed together to create a unique scent which I will forever associate with my grandmother.

I will smell it now, fairly regularly. At home, or maybe in my yard, it's conceivable that that smell could be produced from another kitchen and waft into our house via an open window, or into our yard. But I often smell it in places where it has absolutely no business being. At work, driving down the road, and sometimes hiking out in the woods where it's just me and my dogs and no one else for miles. It isn't just a whiff or a hint of that smell, it is very pronounced, as though I am standing in her kitchen.

I am one hundred percent certain that smell is my grandmother popping by to visit. It only lasts a few seconds, maybe three or four breaths. Long enough to smell it and be sure that I am, in fact, smelling it. Then it's gone. She's just saying “hi”, and I have made a habit of responding by saying out loud “Hi Gramma”, to acknowledge her presence.

All of this to say that while most ghost stories are scary, some of them are just really nice to hear.

#Ghosts #Halloween #GhostStory

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

I feel like I've missed October this year. I've had a lot going on, but it seems to be slowing down. My partner and I are getting ready for a Samhain dinner to honor her dead sister. We'll be doing it the day after, since that evening is already busy.

I wanted to hand make decorations this year, but never got time. I think to be able to do that, I'll have to get started the beginning of September each year. Yule is right around the corner, though. We'll see how it goes.

I got a visit from Sara last night. I was beginning to wonder when I might hear from her again. It's been quite a while, which is not unusual, but given the amount of personal tumult going on the last few months, I was just hoping to see her. I was at a bar, possibly in a hotel of some sort, it was a nice place. I was there with some friends, and sitting near a corner of the bar, across from the tap wall. The friends were all seated to my left, and there were three empty bar stools to my right, going around the corner. The place was busy, lots of tables behind us, mostly full. There was piano jazz playing.

A woman with short hair walked up to the bar and sat two seats away from me. It was Sara, but as is the usual pattern, I didn't recognize her right away. When I took a second look, and that feeling of familiarity settled in, she smiled and reached for my hand, and pulled me to the stool next to her. The friends, and the rest of the bar, basically faded away, like they were no longer there. Neither of us said anything. We just sat, and she held my hand with her fingers laced through mine. Time is always difficult to gauge in dreams, but I think it was only 15 minutes or so. It was enough. I felt better immediately, and I feel better today than I have in a while.

I remember nothing about the dream before she appeared, and nothing after, but again, that's how it always is. I'm sure I woke up not long after that. I got up to go to get some water, and I replayed the dream in my head. It was just a comfort visit, which is exactly what I needed.

My partner was on a trip with a group of women, and had a wonderful time. Two of the other women are also witches, and one of them was a little distressed that she did not have her tarot cards with her. Partner just happened to come across a store the sold them, and bought a nice deck. She gifted it to the woman, and I suspect has made a friend for life there. Always nice to hear that sort of thing.

#Sara #SpiritGuide #Samhain

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

Today has been a lesson in remembering that when I have a dream about a random friend that I haven't spoken to in a while, it means I need to get in touch with them.

An old high school friend, who I haven't spoken to in a year or so, made an appearance early this morning just before I woke up. I don't remember all the details now, but she was definitely the focus. So I sent her a text a few hours ago, and we've been going back and forth ever since. She's had a REALLY rough time of it lately, and her life is about to change in a very dramatic way.

I'm glad we're chatting.

#Dreams #Friends

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

I don't, generally not at all, not anywhere, and not with anyone. Not on purpose, mind you, it's just never been a thing I've been good at, or terribly interested in. My partner and I work because she has the same problem, and yet we fit together very well in ways that make most people tilt their heads and drool a little. So when we go out to social functions where we don't know anyone, we usually end up sitting alone until we get bored and decide to leave.

Compound all of this with the fact that I am a male witch about to roll into my 50s. The overwhelming majority of the groups I've found online, and in my area, are either exclusively women, with an understandable hesitance to allow men into their circles, or they're all 20 years younger than me and I feel like the creepy old guy trying to perv on young women. Because of this, I've never even approached the in-person groups I've found, and the online groups have been very tough to engage with.

I've found that most people dipping their toes into witchcraft are also people that generally have a difficult time fitting in anywhere else. Witchcraft is a very personal religion, with a lot of room for improvisation, and lends itself quite well to that demographic.

All of this to say that I'm trying to reach out, and make friends, but trying to do so among the older crowd, or at least where I can find them.

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf

My partner has a lot of health issues. She will sometimes go weeks without socializing with anyone but me and the people she works with, because she is in pain, or dealing with an allergic reaction to antibiotics (she is allergic to them all), or is just too worn out and fatigued because being in pain all the time is exhausting.

For the pain, she's tried several of the big name painkillers doctors have prescribed, such as hydrocodone, but they barely touch the pain, and she hates the way they maker her feel. The only thing that does help with the pain is pot. Specifically, tinctures. So when she's really getting hammered by her health issues, we keep her high quite a bit. This has the side effect of making her very happy, very giggly, and very horny, which I won't complain about.

Her sleep is also affected quite a bit, and she decided to try something a few months ago, and began doing a cleansing ritual in the shower every night, right before bed. She lights a candle, recites a short chant she has come up with, and then showers with only the light of the candle, and visualizes the water washing away her stress, her pain and her anxiety. This has been working very well for her, and she has been sleeping better, usually falling asleep almost immediately. We've also found that, conversely, when she doesn't do this, she has a difficult time sleeping, and may lie awake until 3 or 4am.

Since the last year and a half have been really hard on her, and she seems to be constantly feeling terrible, we think it may be time to cleanse the entire house. This will be tricky since we have three other people living with us. We'll also need to disable the smoke alarms, because burning the sage is sure to set them off.

We'll follow the sage with a sweep, back door to front door, and then off the porch, and then we'll renew the sigils outside the house, and re-energize some things we've got hidden inside the house.

I think we'll do it this weekend, while the rest of the household is at work.

That's all I've got today.

#Witchcraft

-Tom Blueleaf